Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
