matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
