I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
