dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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