Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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