Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
This house was built for laser tag.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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