I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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