she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
