the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
should my penis look like a turkey
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just found puke in my bra..
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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