Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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