i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
