my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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