after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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