Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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