I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
