my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
no, he came in my armpit
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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