sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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