shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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