We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
