Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
