my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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