I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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