At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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