There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
