You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
