maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
