i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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