So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This is my gift to your gina
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
