Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
