i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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