why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
