he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
