I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
