Will you blow on my dice?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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