toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
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i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
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We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
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