Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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