when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
