he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
