Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Randomize
