i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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