you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
