saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
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i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
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She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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