Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i need an iv and a liver transplant
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
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since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
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I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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