I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
As shirtless as possible
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
