She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
