From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
