I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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