sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
