The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I want to be your penis for a week.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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