Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
