my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
