Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
