go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just invented taco cereal.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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